vacancy sign

I'm good at putting names and faces to feelings. It's such a good way to distract yourself. all you have to do is take whatever it is you're feeling and then tell yourself well I'm feeling this way because of so and so even if its no where near the truth..it'll distract you from the truth. I find I dont ever know the truths myself. I'm so busy distracting myself I forget the real reasons. Isn't that sad? That we hide from our own truths? I feel as though as humans we search for the truth. We lie and then we search for the truth and then we grow and we teach ourselves to be honest people and to tell those we care about the truth. Honesty is by all means the best policy right? Well if this is the case why do we spend so much time lying to ourselves? I mean we're all just little dots floating around this surface searching for one thing or another...searching for truth. Truth in who we are, truth in who your friends are, truth in what everything is all about. But then we cover it up. We cover up ourselves. We're honest..but only as honest as politeness will allow us to be. We're not honest. We're honest to peoples ears..as in we say what we are thinking or perhaps what we are thinking they want us to think but then if we see a glimpse of distaste in their eyes we change our tune and search out the new truths they want to hear. I know this makes no sense.
I have truths..but I hide from them I distract myself from them. I keep them deep inside where they're easily covered up with daily tasks and noise. For if I were to sit alone in silence for too long these truths, these real reasons may start bubbling up and then where will that leave me? In a state of confusion, hatred, sadness, self loathing, self loving, who fucking knows. I dont...because I dont let them bubble up and the minutes I realize they may start being unearthed I change the topic not just to others but to myself as well. I've always thought I've been the kind of person who answers questions ya know. The open kind of person who will tell you what I'm thinking but I've slowly started to realize I dont talk. I wont tell you how I'm feeling or whats wrong because I wont even tell myself.
So if I can put your name and your face to my emotion it'll distract me from my truth. It'll cover the real feeling up with a face that may not even pertain to it..and then I'll smile make a small joke and change the topic before I have to feel something else for too long that is to close to real and true.

Long Time No Blog

WOW it has been way too long since I've written in this I'm really going to try to start writing more. The semesters already almost over and it flew by..and I have so much work. But surprisingly I'm not stressing. Sometimes I feel like I should be stressing more than I am though and once I start thinking I start panicking so I try to avoid the whole thing in general.
I'm wondering if I was born in the wrong era. Does that sound weird? It probably does doesn't it? I just really think living in the 50s would've been rad 50s on. I watch documentaries and I'm just like damn..how fun. Even being a kid in the 50s and 60s seems like it was much more fun because you made your own fun. You actually went outside and played you weren't a zombie in front of a television screen which to me seems amazing. Obviously always have grown up with technology it's hard to imagine what it's like to truly escape from it. But, I think it would stellar. And the clothes and the life style damn I would love it. Also the 20s! god damn it how Id love to be a flapper..and I most definitely would've been. Or in the 50s be the first girl to wear pants to school...how classic is that thought even? It being a big deal to wear pants! And all the culture and life going on during those times. All the movements and activism fuck man it would be awesome.
I wonder if people in the future will look back and say damn I would've loved to have been born in the 80s and 90s and come up in that time. I'm sure people will but theres no way its as exciting as the 50s and 60s. I mean it has its fabulous aspects and what not...MTV xbox etc but all these things are technology...and I really want to live without it...just once. I'm sure by then..by my grandchildren's time our technology will be nothing...then again by then there may not be anymore blogging etc because of big brother..who knows. But i just want to be classic ya know? Classic beauty. To be a classic would be amazing..to be a classic legend..even better.

the ins and outs

I'm leaving for school in less then a month. I'm pretty surprised at how long I've put off actually thinking about it. Even when I do think about it..I don't REALLY think about it. It'll be awesome and fun and new. But, at the same time I'm really nervous. I have all these questions running through my head and "what if..." questions.
I'm hoping for the best.
On a side note Annihilation Time played last night and were amazing. There are a lot of great shows coming up and I'm super stoked about that. However, I feel as though summer is flying by and I haven't done shit. It's slipping from my grasp and nearing it's end and I'm going to have to leave very soon and it feels like nothing has even happen. Like maybe summer hasn't truly started yet. That feeling is kind of depressing. I mean I guess it's been a decently fun summer I just feel like I wanted more or expected more from it. Too high of expectations. Plus, we haven't gone up to Greg's camp at all this year and that saddens me because some of the most memorable moments of summer happen there. Maybe thats why I feel like something is missing. Also, I haven't swam in my pool at all this summer and that fucking sucks. I work everyday and when I'm out of work I'm too tired to do much. And I just want to be inside since I've been sweating outside all day with kids. It's a sad cycle. I'm gonna try to make the most of the next few weeks because I know they're going to fly by and then I'll have a week and one day once work is over until it's time for me to move. So...thats a little depressing as well.
But, I think since all these awesome shows are coming that it'll start maybe making me feel like summer is here. I don't really know. I can only hope.
Also, TRANSFORMERS...was amazing! Such a good movie. The corny shit totally didn't even matter because all the action scenes were awesome. I turned into a little kid again sitting in the theater watching it. I was sucked right into it and it was awesome.
This Is Hardcore is coming real quick too, which I'm excited for. However, I'm sad because the last day of it ,August, 19, I'm supposed to move into my dorm so I don't know how that'll work but I'm sure I can figure something out. I'm stoked.
I guess my scale is balanced because the depression things even out kind of with the awesome things to make a nice leveled me.
On one more depressing note though...I'm SOOOOO not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I'm praying the day flies by..for my sanity.

you're pro WHAT?!

So, I've known about such things for awhile but never saw it until a few days ago. This..is a pro-anorexia bracelet. aka pro-ana. Apparently anorexia isn't just a disease but now a cult like movement. Really...I can't believe this shit. There are webpages, blogs, livejournals...you name it they got it, dedicated to this shit. It's basically a bunch of websites where people can share tips of how they shed pounds and use phrases like "thinspire me" with of course pictures of mary-kate olsen and nicole richie. This type of shit gets under my skin. There are people who really can't control feeling so low and such hatred for themselves...including those with eating disorders and it erks me. It freaks me out to know that self mutilation has been going on for centuries and centuries just to be "beautiful". I mean this dates back to Ancient China with feet binding and what not. It's just disturbing. And it hurts.
I'm sure there are young girls who feel bad about themselves and feel too fat too tall to whatever and go to these pages for advice on what to do, how to set goal weights and how to lose it fast. And its disgusting because girls and boys...don't realize what they're getting themselves into. I don't want to be lecturing. I don't want this to seem as a lecture. If you want to be thin I COMPLETELY understand. I'm a girl too. I've been a pre-teen and a teen with self image issues. Hello..I'm pretty sure everyone women in American and elsewhere has been in this position..feeling too fat too thin too ugly whatever. But to take the steps to actually start starving yourself and making yourself throw up is too much.
It's a downwards spiral and can take years..a lifetime to conquer. I know people who are 45 years old and still struggling with these issues, this disease. And it's not pretty or beautiful or attractive. It's like you always have a choice..atleast at the beginning. You can chose to do it the right way..to lose a few pounds by eating right and excersising and knowing when to stop. Or you can do it the wrong way by skipping a few meals..then skipping everything..then puking if you do eat. And once you enter that way of living..you're trapped. And then you develop really serious issues. And it gets out of control and you can't stop no matter how much you want to. Even if you look fine you're not...you're miserable. You WANT to be thin...you convince yourself you NEED to be thin. What the fuck is thin?!?!
You're killing yourself slowly. And no one can help you. The people that love you can't stop you. It's a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. They confront you..you hide you're lying and skipping meals and puking better. They don't confront you, you keep doing what you're doing. And looking back on it you realize how selfish it really is. For instance..this 45 year old even though she still struggles can see how much she hurt the people who loved her. Especially her parents. She tells me how selfish it was just because she wanted to be skinny and be beautiful. Since when is skinny beautiful? Marilyn Monroe was georgeous and she wasn't skinny. Neither was Audrey Hepburn, not by todays standards anyways. By todays standards they would be "too large". It's terrible.
Does that look pretty to you? What picture is more attractive?!
And..why are you flaunting your disease? Why are you wearing that stupid fucking bracelet? Are you proud that you're killing yourself slowly? Are you proud that you're hurting the people that care about you most? Why are you wearing it? Thats really what I want to know. Why the FUCK are you wearing that stupid fucking bracelet when my aunt almost died on a fucking hospital bed becuase of this fucking disease?! are you proud that you're starving yourself...are you proud that sooner or later you'll end up in a hospital too...please PLEASE tell me what there is to be so proud about. Maybe it's because you've reached your goal to be 88 pounds and look like a walking corpse...maybe you wanted to blend in with all the other people who were dying of disease that they didn't want like cancer and aids. I'm glad you're so proud to be anorexic and bulemic because no one else fucking is. I pitty you, silly girl with the pro-ana bracelet that I don't even know. I pitty you so much it makes me want to cry and hug you...not tell you anything. Not tell you you're pretty or beautiful or thin..because that won't make it better. Just cry because thats all I can do.

It's raining, It's pouring..

Today has been filled with rain. Thats ok, except now I'm bored.
With motivation from a friend I decided to organize my iTunes. I had no idea how hard this would be or how time consuming. I have 112 genres, no clue how thats possible, but I'm trying to limit it down to about 5. Along with organizing comes trying to fill in all the blanks. Meaning, the songs with blank albums and blank genres. I also plan on getting all the album art. I'm still on A...
This is going to take forever. I'm googling a ton. But now after about an hour maybe an hour and a half and figuring out how to add the album art to all the songs etc (I'm an iTunes moron) I'm bored out of my mind and sick of iTunes. It's almost as bad as putting my clothes away..but I might just go do that.
Lesson Learned: stay organized.
I've been saying this for years...or well ever since I became less organized that I need to get back on top of it. I need to become the clean freak I once was. I mean I'm organized..but in a messy way if that makes any sense. I need to become more on top of my organization. But, for real this time.
Also, I wish it were nice out.

phone call

A few weeks ago while I was working on a final project my stomach dropped. I started getting really nervous, worried, upset, etc. I was thinking about my cousin. I got so worked up I started crying. Not screaming crying or anything but a silent cry. Maybe these feelings etc were sympathy pains..I don't know. Then the phone rings and I literally stopped. I stopped thinking and feeling and just stared at the phone. I didn't know the number on the ID and this made my stomach drop for a quick second then I just kept staring. I tried to listen..listen to my dads voice, straining to hear the conversation. Did he sound happy? Was he upset? Who was on the phone? I had this gut wrenching feeling it was related to my cousin. I never give a shit who calls but this time I just knew.
A few minutes later he came out back and upstairs to talk to me. He walked in and I just stared.. "that was uncle steve" (brians dad) "he was calling to say Brians fine. He heard from him a few days ago" My heart sunk as my mind filled with questions and my dad filled me in.
Apparently, they had been attacked. His squad or whatever. I guess it was all over the news. I see that shit all the time and since I'm not sure exactly what platoon he's in I just skim the list of names of soldiers unaccounted for searching for our last name Myers. If I don't see it I try to ignore what the reporters saying. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know anymore..
I'm glad he's ok. But, I cant help but be so mad at him. I hate going weeks, months even without hearing from him. I hate that he's there. I hate that he signed up for the Army 3 years ago knowing there was a war. I hate the things he has seen. I hate the poverty, the death surrounding him. I hate when he leaves and I hate seeing his eyes when he comes home. I hate crying. I hate that he's not living the normal life of a normal 23 year old. Most of all, I hate myself for hating all these things.
I just want him back. I want to dig deep within him, find the old him, and pull him out. Resurface him. But, it'll never happen. He can never go back to the normal 20 year old he was when he left. He's forever changed.
I know I rant about this sometimes. But people don't get it. We live our day to day lives sometimes forgetting a war is even going on. We don't care. It's not effecting us. And I feel fucking TERRIBLE for forgetting him. Forgetting that he's over there dealing with this...that he's not home or in school or at work. It's not like I forgot completely, I always know he's not home but sometimes I feel like I do'nt care enough. I never want to be so consumed in myself and my life to forget he's there. It's not a present thing to most people. It doesn't effect most peopls day to day life and it shouldn't. It shouludn't effect my day to day life either or paralyze me..that's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is I don't ever want to feel that stomach drop I felt a few weeks ago. I don't ever want to so casually realize after weeks of not talking to him..hmm weird I haven't heard from Brian.
I never want that phone call. That bad phone call. I never want it.

overactive mind not enough moving around

I've been sitting here, on my bed, in a robe (yes a winter robe even though its 73 degree outside) staring blankly at my computer screen. I have no idea why. I have no idea what I'm thinking.
Maybe I'm thinking about how I need to get up and be fucking productive. Or maybe I'm thinking about the weirdos that come in and out of Miss Albany Diner every week that I force myself to interact with. Honestly, I think those weridos were the highlight of my day. I haven't done shit. I woke up, showered, went to work, read and waited on half weirdos half businessmen..dunno whats worse, got smelly, came home showered, and then sat. I've been sitting since 3 something. I think I REALLY want to say something..but don't know how to say it. Don't even really know what it is. It's like I have this idea, this feeling, and its there, its present, but I can't catch it. It's floating around and I cant grab ahold of it. Maybe it's because of a numbness. Maybe I'm numbed by whatever it is. Does this make sense? Am I ranting? Most likely no sense is being made and I'm ranting rapidly. Shit is going through my brain rapidly that's what it is. It's flying and I have no idea what it even is. I'm distracting myself. I always distract myself. I'm damn good at getting distracted.