vacancy sign

I'm good at putting names and faces to feelings. It's such a good way to distract yourself. all you have to do is take whatever it is you're feeling and then tell yourself well I'm feeling this way because of so and so even if its no where near the truth..it'll distract you from the truth. I find I dont ever know the truths myself. I'm so busy distracting myself I forget the real reasons. Isn't that sad? That we hide from our own truths? I feel as though as humans we search for the truth. We lie and then we search for the truth and then we grow and we teach ourselves to be honest people and to tell those we care about the truth. Honesty is by all means the best policy right? Well if this is the case why do we spend so much time lying to ourselves? I mean we're all just little dots floating around this surface searching for one thing or another...searching for truth. Truth in who we are, truth in who your friends are, truth in what everything is all about. But then we cover it up. We cover up ourselves. We're honest..but only as honest as politeness will allow us to be. We're not honest. We're honest to peoples ears..as in we say what we are thinking or perhaps what we are thinking they want us to think but then if we see a glimpse of distaste in their eyes we change our tune and search out the new truths they want to hear. I know this makes no sense.
I have truths..but I hide from them I distract myself from them. I keep them deep inside where they're easily covered up with daily tasks and noise. For if I were to sit alone in silence for too long these truths, these real reasons may start bubbling up and then where will that leave me? In a state of confusion, hatred, sadness, self loathing, self loving, who fucking knows. I dont...because I dont let them bubble up and the minutes I realize they may start being unearthed I change the topic not just to others but to myself as well. I've always thought I've been the kind of person who answers questions ya know. The open kind of person who will tell you what I'm thinking but I've slowly started to realize I dont talk. I wont tell you how I'm feeling or whats wrong because I wont even tell myself.
So if I can put your name and your face to my emotion it'll distract me from my truth. It'll cover the real feeling up with a face that may not even pertain to it..and then I'll smile make a small joke and change the topic before I have to feel something else for too long that is to close to real and true.

Long Time No Blog

WOW it has been way too long since I've written in this I'm really going to try to start writing more. The semesters already almost over and it flew by..and I have so much work. But surprisingly I'm not stressing. Sometimes I feel like I should be stressing more than I am though and once I start thinking I start panicking so I try to avoid the whole thing in general.
I'm wondering if I was born in the wrong era. Does that sound weird? It probably does doesn't it? I just really think living in the 50s would've been rad 50s on. I watch documentaries and I'm just like damn..how fun. Even being a kid in the 50s and 60s seems like it was much more fun because you made your own fun. You actually went outside and played you weren't a zombie in front of a television screen which to me seems amazing. Obviously always have grown up with technology it's hard to imagine what it's like to truly escape from it. But, I think it would stellar. And the clothes and the life style damn I would love it. Also the 20s! god damn it how Id love to be a flapper..and I most definitely would've been. Or in the 50s be the first girl to wear pants to school...how classic is that thought even? It being a big deal to wear pants! And all the culture and life going on during those times. All the movements and activism fuck man it would be awesome.
I wonder if people in the future will look back and say damn I would've loved to have been born in the 80s and 90s and come up in that time. I'm sure people will but theres no way its as exciting as the 50s and 60s. I mean it has its fabulous aspects and what not...MTV xbox etc but all these things are technology...and I really want to live without it...just once. I'm sure by then..by my grandchildren's time our technology will be nothing...then again by then there may not be anymore blogging etc because of big brother..who knows. But i just want to be classic ya know? Classic beauty. To be a classic would be amazing..to be a classic legend..even better.