vacancy sign

I'm good at putting names and faces to feelings. It's such a good way to distract yourself. all you have to do is take whatever it is you're feeling and then tell yourself well I'm feeling this way because of so and so even if its no where near the truth..it'll distract you from the truth. I find I dont ever know the truths myself. I'm so busy distracting myself I forget the real reasons. Isn't that sad? That we hide from our own truths? I feel as though as humans we search for the truth. We lie and then we search for the truth and then we grow and we teach ourselves to be honest people and to tell those we care about the truth. Honesty is by all means the best policy right? Well if this is the case why do we spend so much time lying to ourselves? I mean we're all just little dots floating around this surface searching for one thing or another...searching for truth. Truth in who we are, truth in who your friends are, truth in what everything is all about. But then we cover it up. We cover up ourselves. We're honest..but only as honest as politeness will allow us to be. We're not honest. We're honest to peoples ears..as in we say what we are thinking or perhaps what we are thinking they want us to think but then if we see a glimpse of distaste in their eyes we change our tune and search out the new truths they want to hear. I know this makes no sense.
I have truths..but I hide from them I distract myself from them. I keep them deep inside where they're easily covered up with daily tasks and noise. For if I were to sit alone in silence for too long these truths, these real reasons may start bubbling up and then where will that leave me? In a state of confusion, hatred, sadness, self loathing, self loving, who fucking knows. I dont...because I dont let them bubble up and the minutes I realize they may start being unearthed I change the topic not just to others but to myself as well. I've always thought I've been the kind of person who answers questions ya know. The open kind of person who will tell you what I'm thinking but I've slowly started to realize I dont talk. I wont tell you how I'm feeling or whats wrong because I wont even tell myself.
So if I can put your name and your face to my emotion it'll distract me from my truth. It'll cover the real feeling up with a face that may not even pertain to it..and then I'll smile make a small joke and change the topic before I have to feel something else for too long that is to close to real and true.