Goodbyes.

Sadaam Hussen is sentenced to death by hanging within 30 days. My cousin is told he ships out to Kuwait Jan. 2nd. Then he recieves a call yesterday afternoon saying that he was to report to base tonight and be ready to leave late night/early morning. Ironic? He says they're just gonna wait in Kuwait..well he hopes they will just have to wait in Kuwait this time because last time they had to transfer to Iraq...I hope its just waiting this time too.
The goodbyes I say to my cousin are probably the hardest and realest kind of goodbye I have ever and will ever say in my life. They're sincere tear-worthy goodbyes. They're not I'll see you later goodbyes, or I'll see you when you come home from college goodbyes, they're I don't know if I'll see you again goodbyes, and thats the scariest thing in the world;that they may actually be real goodbyes. I can't imagine today being my last goodbye..and I hope it won't be and as much as you know it won't be there's a little voice in the back of your head saying it might be. Even if this is the third time I've had to say goodbye to him over the war..it won't be the last and no matter how many times he comes back okay you still have that secret little question..what if? God forbid if that actually happens..if they actually become my last goodbye to him, it won't be good enough. If I were to make them how I really see them happening in my head, if I don't contain myself, tell myself it'll be fine, I'd start crying and who knows when I'd stop. They're I love you goodbyes, and I'll miss you goodbyes. They're be careful...really careful goodbyes and be safe goodbyes. They're worried, scared, sad, love filled, and hopeful goodbyes.
In person with him..I'd never cry. I'd hold them back until I left the room and he couldn't see me and thats what I did, thats what I always do.

People.

I can't understand people. Why are people SUCH people pleasers and cling on to others and try so hard to impress and become a part of a tight group of people. It's ok to want to be friends with people and make new friends but why in the world do you have to try so hard? And become someone your not...thats the worse part. When you know someone and see them around others and they're just trying so hard to fit in that they aren't being themselves. It's disappointing really.
Just be comfortable enough with yourself to A. not have to be surrounded by people at all times and B. not try so hard to be the nicest person or the funniest or whatever. Because after awhile..it become noticeable to the ones your trying to fit in with and it makes you look almost pathetic.
I'm sure I've done this stuff before and I know everyone has a weakness and no one is 100% comfortable with who they are...but my god, get ahold of some kind of grip. I know sometimes I need to remind myself sometimes to get a grip..I think perhaps you should remind yourself too..because you need it.

Somethings got to give...

I'm always super aggro on Christmas Eve for some reason, it really never fails. Maybe today in particular, it's because I happened to wake up sick and achey, which is the worst. Then my aunts annoying, ignorant boyfriend wouldn't shut the hell up so I tried to avoid him..and in doing so I ended up in the other room with my brother watching TV..I guess it wasn't that bad really. I did hang out with the family for at least a little bit.
Tony and I exchanged presents today too. It was good. Except, he took the bunt of all my feelings, believe me he heard everything. And after being a huge girl for a while I felt a little better and we cleaned my turtles tank. Lets just say if turtles could smile...Nebulas is lighting up the room...radiating really.
Also, I'm super excited for Christmas day...actually it is Christmas day so..Merry Christmas.
I guess...now I'm just looking forward to hanging with my cousin Brian all day. He just got back from Iraq and he has to go back the second week in Jan. It's nerve racking really. I mean, I grew up with him. My aunt, his mom, would watch me when I was little and in the summer as I grew up. So we've always been really close and just seeing him sometimes I think about stuff ya know? Like how he was before his first trip to Iraq and how he is now after being there twice. I mean, don't get me wrong he's done such great things. He's been promoted to sgt. he's gotten a bronze star and he's only 22 years old. However, I know this is going to sound cliche but...theres something different in his eyes and he definitely has changed, which is more or less expected. He's more quite. He's more numb. He's more grown up. He's more...well, militant. And as good as this is because he's found a direction in life it's sad too. He always has been and always will be an amazing person. I mean just look at what he's doing with his life, he's one of the bravest...if not the bravest person I know. I'm just afraid that the things he's seen will shape him into a new person whose not as kind and as fun. I doubt this will truly happen but it's kind of scary. It's always terrifying to know he has to go back again the second week in Jan. He just got back..this lead me to ask: how many times will he have to go there? How many times will his life be in danger? How many times does he have to see the terrifying things he's seen? I need to not think about that and I need to be positive, and I'm trying. I'm proud of him, I truly am. It just gets to me sometimes, but its going to be great seeing him all day tomorrow.
Yet, as excited as I am about all that theres something just not right. I don't know what it is. I'm sick of this place I guess. I need to get outta here. I can't wait to finish applying to all my schools and hear back from them. I can't wait to move away...at least for a little while. I love my friends and I love my family but seriously...somethings got to give. I need a change in pace. I feel out of step.
Oh and..once again...MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

first post...holla

I don't really know why I decided to start this. I use to have a livejournal so long ago..in fact I decided to just go look at it and it brought back a lot of memories. Infact, even the picture on it kind of made me laugh. I guess people need different things at different times and at that time in my life I need to vent somewhere and needed some things to be seen by some people..I guess thats kind of how I feel now except I don't think many people will see this. In fact, I don't think anyone will ever stumble upon this and thats ok.