Home Sweet Home

I swallowed my septum ring. In my sleep.
road bike. sun. wd40. starbucks. le vie en rose. Sam Adams Summer Ale.
blued eye boy meets brown eyed girl...the sweetest thing?

This is who I am...

And I'm not sorry.
Stop. Look around you. Don't cross the street you may get hit by one of the yellow ones...they don't stop. Frustration bores me but I let it conquer me. I'm young, and I love to be young. Why be upset when you can be happy?
Quit frustrating me. Don't judge me. I don't judge you. Who are you to say whats wrong whats right? Take a minute. Look in the mirror. Maybe you'll quit pointing your finger at others and start seeing the reflection of you. You're not perfect. You don't know me. Don't judge me.
Don't judge my friends. This is my life and I'm not sorry. I live. I make mistakes. I fight. I survive. I'm a seasoned fighter. Leave it be. Leave me be.
I've been swallowed whole and I'm happy to be here in this belly. I don't need your judgements. If I really thought you're judgements mattered don't you think I'd reflect on them for a minute? Why don't you quit looking me and everyone I'm with up and down and start maybe doing some self reflecting?! Theres a start. Get over the drama you've created in your head. Or better yet be a better person and get over things that happened in the past. Move on. Grow up.
Don't do this, do do that. Get outta here with you're shit. Step aside as TFM would say.
Let me live man. Live and let live. Back off. Get a brain. Grow a brain.

New Yark

It's been awhile.
My first year at F.I.T is ending and its been amazing.
I'm stoked to go home but this city has swallowed me whole and I love it.
New York..you will be missed..I'll be back soon.

vacancy sign

I'm good at putting names and faces to feelings. It's such a good way to distract yourself. all you have to do is take whatever it is you're feeling and then tell yourself well I'm feeling this way because of so and so even if its no where near the truth..it'll distract you from the truth. I find I dont ever know the truths myself. I'm so busy distracting myself I forget the real reasons. Isn't that sad? That we hide from our own truths? I feel as though as humans we search for the truth. We lie and then we search for the truth and then we grow and we teach ourselves to be honest people and to tell those we care about the truth. Honesty is by all means the best policy right? Well if this is the case why do we spend so much time lying to ourselves? I mean we're all just little dots floating around this surface searching for one thing or another...searching for truth. Truth in who we are, truth in who your friends are, truth in what everything is all about. But then we cover it up. We cover up ourselves. We're honest..but only as honest as politeness will allow us to be. We're not honest. We're honest to peoples ears..as in we say what we are thinking or perhaps what we are thinking they want us to think but then if we see a glimpse of distaste in their eyes we change our tune and search out the new truths they want to hear. I know this makes no sense.
I have truths..but I hide from them I distract myself from them. I keep them deep inside where they're easily covered up with daily tasks and noise. For if I were to sit alone in silence for too long these truths, these real reasons may start bubbling up and then where will that leave me? In a state of confusion, hatred, sadness, self loathing, self loving, who fucking knows. I dont...because I dont let them bubble up and the minutes I realize they may start being unearthed I change the topic not just to others but to myself as well. I've always thought I've been the kind of person who answers questions ya know. The open kind of person who will tell you what I'm thinking but I've slowly started to realize I dont talk. I wont tell you how I'm feeling or whats wrong because I wont even tell myself.
So if I can put your name and your face to my emotion it'll distract me from my truth. It'll cover the real feeling up with a face that may not even pertain to it..and then I'll smile make a small joke and change the topic before I have to feel something else for too long that is to close to real and true.

Long Time No Blog

WOW it has been way too long since I've written in this I'm really going to try to start writing more. The semesters already almost over and it flew by..and I have so much work. But surprisingly I'm not stressing. Sometimes I feel like I should be stressing more than I am though and once I start thinking I start panicking so I try to avoid the whole thing in general.
I'm wondering if I was born in the wrong era. Does that sound weird? It probably does doesn't it? I just really think living in the 50s would've been rad 50s on. I watch documentaries and I'm just like damn..how fun. Even being a kid in the 50s and 60s seems like it was much more fun because you made your own fun. You actually went outside and played you weren't a zombie in front of a television screen which to me seems amazing. Obviously always have grown up with technology it's hard to imagine what it's like to truly escape from it. But, I think it would stellar. And the clothes and the life style damn I would love it. Also the 20s! god damn it how Id love to be a flapper..and I most definitely would've been. Or in the 50s be the first girl to wear pants to school...how classic is that thought even? It being a big deal to wear pants! And all the culture and life going on during those times. All the movements and activism fuck man it would be awesome.
I wonder if people in the future will look back and say damn I would've loved to have been born in the 80s and 90s and come up in that time. I'm sure people will but theres no way its as exciting as the 50s and 60s. I mean it has its fabulous aspects and what not...MTV xbox etc but all these things are technology...and I really want to live without it...just once. I'm sure by then..by my grandchildren's time our technology will be nothing...then again by then there may not be anymore blogging etc because of big brother..who knows. But i just want to be classic ya know? Classic beauty. To be a classic would be amazing..to be a classic legend..even better.

the ins and outs

I'm leaving for school in less then a month. I'm pretty surprised at how long I've put off actually thinking about it. Even when I do think about it..I don't REALLY think about it. It'll be awesome and fun and new. But, at the same time I'm really nervous. I have all these questions running through my head and "what if..." questions.
I'm hoping for the best.
On a side note Annihilation Time played last night and were amazing. There are a lot of great shows coming up and I'm super stoked about that. However, I feel as though summer is flying by and I haven't done shit. It's slipping from my grasp and nearing it's end and I'm going to have to leave very soon and it feels like nothing has even happen. Like maybe summer hasn't truly started yet. That feeling is kind of depressing. I mean I guess it's been a decently fun summer I just feel like I wanted more or expected more from it. Too high of expectations. Plus, we haven't gone up to Greg's camp at all this year and that saddens me because some of the most memorable moments of summer happen there. Maybe thats why I feel like something is missing. Also, I haven't swam in my pool at all this summer and that fucking sucks. I work everyday and when I'm out of work I'm too tired to do much. And I just want to be inside since I've been sweating outside all day with kids. It's a sad cycle. I'm gonna try to make the most of the next few weeks because I know they're going to fly by and then I'll have a week and one day once work is over until it's time for me to move. So...thats a little depressing as well.
But, I think since all these awesome shows are coming that it'll start maybe making me feel like summer is here. I don't really know. I can only hope.
Also, TRANSFORMERS...was amazing! Such a good movie. The corny shit totally didn't even matter because all the action scenes were awesome. I turned into a little kid again sitting in the theater watching it. I was sucked right into it and it was awesome.
This Is Hardcore is coming real quick too, which I'm excited for. However, I'm sad because the last day of it ,August, 19, I'm supposed to move into my dorm so I don't know how that'll work but I'm sure I can figure something out. I'm stoked.
I guess my scale is balanced because the depression things even out kind of with the awesome things to make a nice leveled me.
On one more depressing note though...I'm SOOOOO not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I'm praying the day flies by..for my sanity.

you're pro WHAT?!

So, I've known about such things for awhile but never saw it until a few days ago. This..is a pro-anorexia bracelet. aka pro-ana. Apparently anorexia isn't just a disease but now a cult like movement. Really...I can't believe this shit. There are webpages, blogs, livejournals...you name it they got it, dedicated to this shit. It's basically a bunch of websites where people can share tips of how they shed pounds and use phrases like "thinspire me" with of course pictures of mary-kate olsen and nicole richie. This type of shit gets under my skin. There are people who really can't control feeling so low and such hatred for themselves...including those with eating disorders and it erks me. It freaks me out to know that self mutilation has been going on for centuries and centuries just to be "beautiful". I mean this dates back to Ancient China with feet binding and what not. It's just disturbing. And it hurts.
I'm sure there are young girls who feel bad about themselves and feel too fat too tall to whatever and go to these pages for advice on what to do, how to set goal weights and how to lose it fast. And its disgusting because girls and boys...don't realize what they're getting themselves into. I don't want to be lecturing. I don't want this to seem as a lecture. If you want to be thin I COMPLETELY understand. I'm a girl too. I've been a pre-teen and a teen with self image issues. Hello..I'm pretty sure everyone women in American and elsewhere has been in this position..feeling too fat too thin too ugly whatever. But to take the steps to actually start starving yourself and making yourself throw up is too much.
It's a downwards spiral and can take years..a lifetime to conquer. I know people who are 45 years old and still struggling with these issues, this disease. And it's not pretty or beautiful or attractive. It's like you always have a choice..atleast at the beginning. You can chose to do it the right way..to lose a few pounds by eating right and excersising and knowing when to stop. Or you can do it the wrong way by skipping a few meals..then skipping everything..then puking if you do eat. And once you enter that way of living..you're trapped. And then you develop really serious issues. And it gets out of control and you can't stop no matter how much you want to. Even if you look fine you're not...you're miserable. You WANT to be thin...you convince yourself you NEED to be thin. What the fuck is thin?!?!
You're killing yourself slowly. And no one can help you. The people that love you can't stop you. It's a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. They confront you..you hide you're lying and skipping meals and puking better. They don't confront you, you keep doing what you're doing. And looking back on it you realize how selfish it really is. For instance..this 45 year old even though she still struggles can see how much she hurt the people who loved her. Especially her parents. She tells me how selfish it was just because she wanted to be skinny and be beautiful. Since when is skinny beautiful? Marilyn Monroe was georgeous and she wasn't skinny. Neither was Audrey Hepburn, not by todays standards anyways. By todays standards they would be "too large". It's terrible.
Does that look pretty to you? What picture is more attractive?!
And..why are you flaunting your disease? Why are you wearing that stupid fucking bracelet? Are you proud that you're killing yourself slowly? Are you proud that you're hurting the people that care about you most? Why are you wearing it? Thats really what I want to know. Why the FUCK are you wearing that stupid fucking bracelet when my aunt almost died on a fucking hospital bed becuase of this fucking disease?! are you proud that you're starving yourself...are you proud that sooner or later you'll end up in a hospital too...please PLEASE tell me what there is to be so proud about. Maybe it's because you've reached your goal to be 88 pounds and look like a walking corpse...maybe you wanted to blend in with all the other people who were dying of disease that they didn't want like cancer and aids. I'm glad you're so proud to be anorexic and bulemic because no one else fucking is. I pitty you, silly girl with the pro-ana bracelet that I don't even know. I pitty you so much it makes me want to cry and hug you...not tell you anything. Not tell you you're pretty or beautiful or thin..because that won't make it better. Just cry because thats all I can do.