the ins and outs

I'm leaving for school in less then a month. I'm pretty surprised at how long I've put off actually thinking about it. Even when I do think about it..I don't REALLY think about it. It'll be awesome and fun and new. But, at the same time I'm really nervous. I have all these questions running through my head and "what if..." questions.
I'm hoping for the best.
On a side note Annihilation Time played last night and were amazing. There are a lot of great shows coming up and I'm super stoked about that. However, I feel as though summer is flying by and I haven't done shit. It's slipping from my grasp and nearing it's end and I'm going to have to leave very soon and it feels like nothing has even happen. Like maybe summer hasn't truly started yet. That feeling is kind of depressing. I mean I guess it's been a decently fun summer I just feel like I wanted more or expected more from it. Too high of expectations. Plus, we haven't gone up to Greg's camp at all this year and that saddens me because some of the most memorable moments of summer happen there. Maybe thats why I feel like something is missing. Also, I haven't swam in my pool at all this summer and that fucking sucks. I work everyday and when I'm out of work I'm too tired to do much. And I just want to be inside since I've been sweating outside all day with kids. It's a sad cycle. I'm gonna try to make the most of the next few weeks because I know they're going to fly by and then I'll have a week and one day once work is over until it's time for me to move. So...thats a little depressing as well.
But, I think since all these awesome shows are coming that it'll start maybe making me feel like summer is here. I don't really know. I can only hope.
Also, TRANSFORMERS...was amazing! Such a good movie. The corny shit totally didn't even matter because all the action scenes were awesome. I turned into a little kid again sitting in the theater watching it. I was sucked right into it and it was awesome.
This Is Hardcore is coming real quick too, which I'm excited for. However, I'm sad because the last day of it ,August, 19, I'm supposed to move into my dorm so I don't know how that'll work but I'm sure I can figure something out. I'm stoked.
I guess my scale is balanced because the depression things even out kind of with the awesome things to make a nice leveled me.
On one more depressing note though...I'm SOOOOO not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I'm praying the day flies by..for my sanity.

you're pro WHAT?!

So, I've known about such things for awhile but never saw it until a few days ago. This..is a pro-anorexia bracelet. aka pro-ana. Apparently anorexia isn't just a disease but now a cult like movement. Really...I can't believe this shit. There are webpages, blogs, livejournals...you name it they got it, dedicated to this shit. It's basically a bunch of websites where people can share tips of how they shed pounds and use phrases like "thinspire me" with of course pictures of mary-kate olsen and nicole richie. This type of shit gets under my skin. There are people who really can't control feeling so low and such hatred for themselves...including those with eating disorders and it erks me. It freaks me out to know that self mutilation has been going on for centuries and centuries just to be "beautiful". I mean this dates back to Ancient China with feet binding and what not. It's just disturbing. And it hurts.
I'm sure there are young girls who feel bad about themselves and feel too fat too tall to whatever and go to these pages for advice on what to do, how to set goal weights and how to lose it fast. And its disgusting because girls and boys...don't realize what they're getting themselves into. I don't want to be lecturing. I don't want this to seem as a lecture. If you want to be thin I COMPLETELY understand. I'm a girl too. I've been a pre-teen and a teen with self image issues. Hello..I'm pretty sure everyone women in American and elsewhere has been in this position..feeling too fat too thin too ugly whatever. But to take the steps to actually start starving yourself and making yourself throw up is too much.
It's a downwards spiral and can take years..a lifetime to conquer. I know people who are 45 years old and still struggling with these issues, this disease. And it's not pretty or beautiful or attractive. It's like you always have a choice..atleast at the beginning. You can chose to do it the right way..to lose a few pounds by eating right and excersising and knowing when to stop. Or you can do it the wrong way by skipping a few meals..then skipping everything..then puking if you do eat. And once you enter that way of living..you're trapped. And then you develop really serious issues. And it gets out of control and you can't stop no matter how much you want to. Even if you look fine you're not...you're miserable. You WANT to be thin...you convince yourself you NEED to be thin. What the fuck is thin?!?!
You're killing yourself slowly. And no one can help you. The people that love you can't stop you. It's a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. They confront you..you hide you're lying and skipping meals and puking better. They don't confront you, you keep doing what you're doing. And looking back on it you realize how selfish it really is. For instance..this 45 year old even though she still struggles can see how much she hurt the people who loved her. Especially her parents. She tells me how selfish it was just because she wanted to be skinny and be beautiful. Since when is skinny beautiful? Marilyn Monroe was georgeous and she wasn't skinny. Neither was Audrey Hepburn, not by todays standards anyways. By todays standards they would be "too large". It's terrible.
Does that look pretty to you? What picture is more attractive?!
And..why are you flaunting your disease? Why are you wearing that stupid fucking bracelet? Are you proud that you're killing yourself slowly? Are you proud that you're hurting the people that care about you most? Why are you wearing it? Thats really what I want to know. Why the FUCK are you wearing that stupid fucking bracelet when my aunt almost died on a fucking hospital bed becuase of this fucking disease?! are you proud that you're starving yourself...are you proud that sooner or later you'll end up in a hospital too...please PLEASE tell me what there is to be so proud about. Maybe it's because you've reached your goal to be 88 pounds and look like a walking corpse...maybe you wanted to blend in with all the other people who were dying of disease that they didn't want like cancer and aids. I'm glad you're so proud to be anorexic and bulemic because no one else fucking is. I pitty you, silly girl with the pro-ana bracelet that I don't even know. I pitty you so much it makes me want to cry and hug you...not tell you anything. Not tell you you're pretty or beautiful or thin..because that won't make it better. Just cry because thats all I can do.

It's raining, It's pouring..

Today has been filled with rain. Thats ok, except now I'm bored.
With motivation from a friend I decided to organize my iTunes. I had no idea how hard this would be or how time consuming. I have 112 genres, no clue how thats possible, but I'm trying to limit it down to about 5. Along with organizing comes trying to fill in all the blanks. Meaning, the songs with blank albums and blank genres. I also plan on getting all the album art. I'm still on A...
This is going to take forever. I'm googling a ton. But now after about an hour maybe an hour and a half and figuring out how to add the album art to all the songs etc (I'm an iTunes moron) I'm bored out of my mind and sick of iTunes. It's almost as bad as putting my clothes away..but I might just go do that.
Lesson Learned: stay organized.
I've been saying this for years...or well ever since I became less organized that I need to get back on top of it. I need to become the clean freak I once was. I mean I'm organized..but in a messy way if that makes any sense. I need to become more on top of my organization. But, for real this time.
Also, I wish it were nice out.

phone call

A few weeks ago while I was working on a final project my stomach dropped. I started getting really nervous, worried, upset, etc. I was thinking about my cousin. I got so worked up I started crying. Not screaming crying or anything but a silent cry. Maybe these feelings etc were sympathy pains..I don't know. Then the phone rings and I literally stopped. I stopped thinking and feeling and just stared at the phone. I didn't know the number on the ID and this made my stomach drop for a quick second then I just kept staring. I tried to listen..listen to my dads voice, straining to hear the conversation. Did he sound happy? Was he upset? Who was on the phone? I had this gut wrenching feeling it was related to my cousin. I never give a shit who calls but this time I just knew.
A few minutes later he came out back and upstairs to talk to me. He walked in and I just stared.. "that was uncle steve" (brians dad) "he was calling to say Brians fine. He heard from him a few days ago" My heart sunk as my mind filled with questions and my dad filled me in.
Apparently, they had been attacked. His squad or whatever. I guess it was all over the news. I see that shit all the time and since I'm not sure exactly what platoon he's in I just skim the list of names of soldiers unaccounted for searching for our last name Myers. If I don't see it I try to ignore what the reporters saying. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know anymore..
I'm glad he's ok. But, I cant help but be so mad at him. I hate going weeks, months even without hearing from him. I hate that he's there. I hate that he signed up for the Army 3 years ago knowing there was a war. I hate the things he has seen. I hate the poverty, the death surrounding him. I hate when he leaves and I hate seeing his eyes when he comes home. I hate crying. I hate that he's not living the normal life of a normal 23 year old. Most of all, I hate myself for hating all these things.
I just want him back. I want to dig deep within him, find the old him, and pull him out. Resurface him. But, it'll never happen. He can never go back to the normal 20 year old he was when he left. He's forever changed.
I know I rant about this sometimes. But people don't get it. We live our day to day lives sometimes forgetting a war is even going on. We don't care. It's not effecting us. And I feel fucking TERRIBLE for forgetting him. Forgetting that he's over there dealing with this...that he's not home or in school or at work. It's not like I forgot completely, I always know he's not home but sometimes I feel like I do'nt care enough. I never want to be so consumed in myself and my life to forget he's there. It's not a present thing to most people. It doesn't effect most peopls day to day life and it shouldn't. It shouludn't effect my day to day life either or paralyze me..that's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is I don't ever want to feel that stomach drop I felt a few weeks ago. I don't ever want to so casually realize after weeks of not talking to him..hmm weird I haven't heard from Brian.
I never want that phone call. That bad phone call. I never want it.

overactive mind not enough moving around

I've been sitting here, on my bed, in a robe (yes a winter robe even though its 73 degree outside) staring blankly at my computer screen. I have no idea why. I have no idea what I'm thinking.
Maybe I'm thinking about how I need to get up and be fucking productive. Or maybe I'm thinking about the weirdos that come in and out of Miss Albany Diner every week that I force myself to interact with. Honestly, I think those weridos were the highlight of my day. I haven't done shit. I woke up, showered, went to work, read and waited on half weirdos half businessmen..dunno whats worse, got smelly, came home showered, and then sat. I've been sitting since 3 something. I think I REALLY want to say something..but don't know how to say it. Don't even really know what it is. It's like I have this idea, this feeling, and its there, its present, but I can't catch it. It's floating around and I cant grab ahold of it. Maybe it's because of a numbness. Maybe I'm numbed by whatever it is. Does this make sense? Am I ranting? Most likely no sense is being made and I'm ranting rapidly. Shit is going through my brain rapidly that's what it is. It's flying and I have no idea what it even is. I'm distracting myself. I always distract myself. I'm damn good at getting distracted.

Timing..

is everything and I hate it.

I cry for polar bears..

No really, I do.
For some reason the movie "An Inconvenient Truth" made me teary-eyed. Not every single second of the movie but there were parts where I was like wow this is crazy. Global warming is not something new to me. I've known about it, I semi-care about it, and thats why I'm in a class dedicated to it. For me my energy in the environment class was the last thing I wanted to take. I do care about the environment and I do care about being green..however I hate science. From all the classes I could have chosen this one seemed like, and this is not to demote the class, the easiest. I guess it was also the easiest one to relate to and care about because it's going on here and now.
I had to watch this movie for class. I didn't really care much to see it but now that I have, I recommend it to everyone. It's a real eye opener. I mean we hear about global warming everyday. We have also come to see the effects of it close up and personal, so to speak. It's something not many of us concern ourselves with but something that is of great importance. I believe that people, Americans in general, are very preoccupied with the here and now, including myself. If it's not happening today, tomorrow, or somewhere in the near future we don't care about it. Really, that needs to change. People need to be willing to change their lifestyles to save the lives of others. And really, in the long run, or perhaps sooner than you think, whole species will be going extinct due to global warming. In my life time I will see the horrible effects from global warming and perhaps even in my parents life time. It's scary.
When I have kids, they may never be able to see what a real polar bear looks like, even if it is in a cage in a zoo. They won't know how massive the creature was or how amazing. It'll be a thing in the past.
I know people think well the earth goes through these changes, we have ice ages, it's normal. Sure, it's normal but not at such a rapid rate. And, personally, I'm embarassed of myself and Americans when it comes to this. Every advanced country except for the US and Austrilia are on top of their emissions and are making effort to make a change. And, out of all the countries IN THE WORLD, including that of China and India, whose populations more than doubles ours, release less pollutants. We have cause 30.7% of the global warming that is occuring on Earth. It's terrible. We, my generation, as the new CEOs, the new Presidents, the new Soldiers, the new adults..need to really start paying attention to this topic. It's a global effort and we need to join in.
Watch the movie..you'll understand!